This is a post about God.
(hold on)
If you’re anything like me, you just felt really weird. But here’s the deal.
I am going to attempt to tell you how the story of how a Power that I do not understand and cannot fully explain came into my bedroom one morning in Tulsa, Oklahoma and struck me sober from alcohol and drugs.
To help me explain it I am going to call this power “God” because that’s what my mom called it when I was a kid.
Please feel free to insert “Allah,” “Elohim ,” “Buddha,” “Science” or whatever term you prefer to use to put a name on The Unknown.
Because I believe we’re all talking about the same thing.
“The Power of The Universe That No One Can Understand or Explain”
To Atheists: When this happened I was an Atheist myself. It’s cool, keep reading.
I have never told this story to anyone before.
Background
On February 10th, 2008 I had reached the end of a very long, losing battle with alcohol. I had my first drink at the age of 13. It was Canadian Mist. When I drank it I blacked out and got into some trouble with the police. This continued for two decades.
I was never able to drink like a normal person. When I got drunk I blacked out, cried, fell down, took off my clothes, got into fights with lamps and acted like a maniac. This behavior resulted in countless broken personal relationships, a few broken bones and many encounters with police. But I could not stop doing it.
As a teenager I was put in rehab three times. I was forced to go to AA Meetings (alcoholics anonymous) off and on by my parents, and law enforcement, but it never stuck because I didn’t think I belonged there.
But on February 10th, 2008, I woke up from a drunken night that had gone so badly that I was afraid to leave the house. I was scared that either the police or a some kind of hit-man was going to be waiting to take me out as soon as I walked outside.
When I finally got up the nerve to leave the house – I drove as fast as I could to a nearby AA meeting. I’d been there before and it didn’t work. But this time I was ready for help and was willing to do whatever I had to do to get it.
“Just Tell Me What To Do”
I walked into the meeting shaking, terrified and desperate. I asked everyone in the room for help. I said to the group, “I’ll do anything, just please someone tell me what I have to do”.
The group gave me a Sponsor (a guy to help me on a daily basis). And I got two books. “The Big Book”, which is the standard reading guide used by all AA groups and this little black book that I’d never seen before called “Twenty-Four Hours A Day”.
Photo: The Twenty-Four Hours A Day book
I was told to read them both every day. So I did.
My Sponsor also told me to start saying a prayer every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to sleep… I had a real problem with this.
I told him “But I don’t believe in God”. He laughed and said “Then pray to the God you don’t believe in”. In other words, he was saying to just do it whether I wanted to or not.
So I did it.
Praying Every Day
I started praying every morning and every night. He told me to get down on my knees when I prayed. Getting on my knees was hard and humiliating, even with no one looking. But I did it. Because I was willing to do anything to get rid of the drinking.
I was having a really hard time sleeping. So I started drinking NyQuil every night before bed. I knew this wasn’t a good long-term solution but it worked for now and was the only way I could sleep. Luckily, I found another trick that did the job too.
I started praying myself to sleep.
The “Twenty-Four Hours A Day” book has a meditation, a thought and a prayer for every day of the year. The story I got was that a long time ago, some hopeless drunk used to write messages to himself on little cards and he carried them around in his back pocket every day. Later, someone heard about the cards and made a book out of them.
So this was the book I had in my hands. I read this guy’s little mediations, thoughts and prayers every morning when I woke up and again before bed.
After my nightly reading, I would read the prayer over and over again until I memorized it. Then I would close the book and repeat the prayer in my head until I fell asleep. It worked. It was the only thing that worked besides NyQuil.
I became a prayer machine.
I still didn’t believe that anyone was listening to my prayers, but I didn’t care. I did it to help me sleep. Something about saying prayers made me feel really good. I liked it so much that soon I was praying throughout the entire day.
This is when weird stuff started happening.
I started having a lot of “coincidences”. People said things to me that were exactly what I needed to hear, I heard song lyrics that were talking about my situation, I ran into old friends that were also sober who offered encouragement and advice.
I started testing this new prayer power. I started doing silly things.
If I couldn’t find something I was looking for at Wal-Mart, I would close my eyes, right there in the aisle and pray “Dear God, help me find this thing”. When I opened my eyes the thing would be on the shelf directly in front of me, at eye level. It was really strange. I felt like I’d tapped into some kind of magical power.
And then it happened.
The Morning
On the morning of February 27th, 2008 I woke up and was reading the “Twenty-Four Hours A Day” book in bed. The message for the day was about turning your problems over to God.
I’d heard people talk about “turning their life over to God” all my life – and I hated it. It just seemed lazy to me to think that you would turn all your problems over to some kind of mythical creature that may or may not even exist. It felt like a cop out, like an easy way to not take any responsibility for your actions.
But this book added one thing.
It said not only can you “turn your problems over to God” but you could specifically turn your DRINKING PROBLEM over to God. I had never heard that before and the thought of it stopped me in my tracks.
Here is exactly what I read:
FEB. 27—AA Thought for the Day
When we came into AA, the first thing we did was to admit that we couldn’t do anything about our drinking. We admitted that alcohol had us licked and that we were helpless against it. We never could decide whether or not to take a drink. We always took the drink. And since we couldn’t do anything about it ourselves, we put our whole drink problem into the hands of God. We turned the whole thing over to that Power greater than ourselves. And we have nothing more to do about it, except to trust God to take care of the problem for us. Have I done this honestly and fully?Meditation for the Day
This is the time for my spirit to touch the spirit of God. I know that the feeling of the spirit-touch is more important than all the sensations of material things. I must seek a silence of spirit-touching with God. Just a moment’s contact and all the fever of life leaves me. Then I am well, whole, calm and able to arise and minister to others. God’s touch is a potent healer. I must feel that touch and sense God’s presence.Prayer for the Day
I pray that the fever of resentment, worry and fear may melt into nothingness. I pray that health, joy, peace and serenity may take its place.
It didn’t matter if I believed in God or not. I knew I wanted to get rid of the drinking problem and I was willing to do anything to do it. So if there was any chance that I could “turn the whole thing over to a Power greater than myself and HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO ABOUT IT“… Then belief or not – I was willing to give it a shot.
The Experience
I got out of bed and tried to make it as official as possible.
- I stood up in front of the bed, held the book out in front of me and went for it.
- I closed my eyes and asked a God that I didn’t believe in to take my drinking problem from me.
- I prayed for him to take everything from me.
- I said that I was done trying and was completely helpless, broken and powerless over this thing.
Then – I was struck by lightning.
Standing there in front of my bed, eyes closed, I was hit with an immediate wave of heat, colors and light. It came through me like a hot knife through butter. It started at my head and went down through my feet. My entire body started to pulse under its pressure.
It felt good. I’ve taken acid several times in my life and the experience was very similar to an acid trip. Body pulsing, waves of heat, lights and colors and love. Energy became visible. I could see and feel the fabric of the Universe surrounding me in all directions, like an embrace.
“This is the Spirit-touch“ I thought. I was being touched by the Spirit, just like the book said. It was in my room, touching me. The entire room was filled with it. The word Spirit-touch still gives me chills even as I type it now.
Then I had a vision.
I saw an entity in front of me. It was also above me and all around me. We were like two energy fields made of heat. No details, just shapes and colors. The entity reached into my body and started pulling things out of me – from around my stomach area.
The things coming out of me had shapes. They looked like swords, knives, treasure chests and rocks. All these horrible and jagged looking things. Each time something was taken out of me I felt better.
It was crazy – but I wasn’t scared. I allowed it to happen. I understood exactly what was going on. I knew that it was impossible but I was excited that it was happening and I just went with it.
It went on for several minutes. I watched as this heat shaped person pulled things out of my body.
I knew that I could stand there in that moment for as long as I wanted. But after what seemed like 5–7 minutes I realized that if I didn’t break the connection I was going to be late for work.
And as hilarious as this sounds – I broke the connection with The Power of The Universe because it was time to go to work.
I opened my eyes and the spell was broken. I stood there in the glow for a minute as it faded away.
Then I took a shower and drove to work.
I didn’t tell anyone what had happened.
End of story
This month (I’m writing this in February 2015) marks seven years since it happened. I have never taken a drink of alcohol again. From that moment forward, the desire was completely gone.
The After Life
To say that my life has changed since that experience is an understatement.
Most people I knew then would have never have believed I’d be the person I am today. And most people I know today would never believe I was the person I was back then.
I’m no saint, I can still be a real asshole sometimes. I still deal with the same things you deal with, jealousy, resentment, fear, greed and all those human things. But I don’t drink anymore and I’m not constantly hurting myself or anyone else anymore. And that is amazing.
I call the period that I’m living in now “The Afterlife” because to me that’s what it is. I was born, then I lived a life and then I died and then I was born again.
But don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying I’m a “born again Christian” because I’m not at all. I don’t go to church and I don’t follow any organized religion. I don’t think religion can be organized. I think churches are hilarious.
What I do believe is that there is a “The Power of The Universe That No One Can Understand or Explain” that is accessible to us under certain circumstances. And I believe that this thing came into my bedroom and gave me a second chance at life. It freed me from an addiction that was impossible for me to overcome alone.
So if I believe in anything… I believe in second chances.
I’m also totally open to the idea that this whole thing happened in my mind. And if that’s the case that’s great too, because that might mean that I tapped into something we all have inside of us that is connected to one giant energy that we’re all made of.
My answer, as always is:
“I just don’t know… and neither does anyone else.”
Conclusion:
I’m still not sure what “God” means or what the Universe is. But I can tell you this. There is a Power in the Universe that reached out to me the second that I opened myself up to it.
Can you access it? I don’t know. Millions of people are able to change their lives without having an experience like this. So if you’re trying to change your life in some way, don’t expect this to happen to you. But be open to it, because… why not?
All I can tell you is what happened to me. For 7 days straight I prayed non-stop to a God I didn’t believe in. I admitted total defeat and then asked for my problem to be removed from me. As soon as I asked – it instantly took it from me.
Like it had been standing beside me my whole life, waiting for me to call.
7 years ago. My ears where opened and I heard the devil speaking evil things to me. From fear I began to pray and God came into my room and called my name “Amy, Amy” I tried to move my body and stand, but I couldnt move. Ever since I was able to not give up beliving in God who forgave us in jesus
Malan – God bless you. I have been watching your videos also – you’ve got a glow my man, I don’t know what you were like before this experience – but you’ve got something good in you bud.
I’m so glad I found this. The same thing happened to me nine years ago. And it was just as you described it (MalanDarras) only that I didn’t open my eyes ’cause I had been raced Christian and thought (our mind always getting in the way, right?) I would die on the spot it I ‘looked’ at ‘God’ (that’s what Bible says).
Anyway, I never spoke about it either just many years after I tried to explain it to my sister once and realised that she didn’t get the picture of what I was talking about so I’ve kept it to myself.
Now that I understand many things, I know I wouldn’t have died if I had opened my eyes and always wondered what it looked liked. I imagined it was with colours because it felt like the aurora borealis, incredible magnetic field and I felt my body was just a thin shell because this powerful energy was also inside of me. I imagined that that’s the feeling you get when you are close to one of those big fish (some whales) that do sonar.
So I just google what had happened to me in the hope that had happened to someone else who could tell me what it looked like, so THANK YOU!
It took me many years to actually reflect on that night when ‘God’ came into my room. But one of the main changes that happened about one an a half year ago is that now I don’t belong to any religion.
I’ve listen to far too many famous ‘spiritual’ speakers to name but one I keep learning from is Eckhart Tolle. He totally gets it and I learn practical ways of being spiritual in a daily basis including time for spirituality in a hectic daily rutin.
I can’t wait to be with ‘god’ (I don’t call it anything but write god for practical purposes) again yet I’m not in a hurry cause I have small children.
But I can only say this: when god came into my room it was like meeting your best friend, there was no stress of any kind, I didn’t get scared, and one thing I know for sure, it wasn’t the first time we had met, it was like we knew each other, like when you sit with your best friend as relax as you could ever be and you know she knows all about you and you about her and nothing is hidden. I also felt it leaving the room and yes, it filled the whole room while in it. Also it came with a sound, it was like the sound of some of those meditations with theta waves and isochronic tones.
Well, I feel we got something in common Malan, I haven’t read the other comments, maybe there are others too. I hope this happens to everyone alive.
Btw, I was in my weakest period as a Christian at the time, I actually came to believe that God didn’t exist the day I had the experience. So I don’t think any amount of praying could get God to pay a visit but that he reveals himself WHEN he thinks it’s the time.
We can chat about it if you want Malan.
Best,
Emily
i’m 23 years old and it’s been about year and half that i have started meditating,
i had an experience while meditating and it broke me down to tears, i was laughing at the same time too all in all that was a peaceful moment
You know, it is interesting, I haven’t had any experience like this BUT I did start meditating and the first time I tried I went through this tunnel into this, well other reality that seemed to be made just for me, I remember I used to have night terrors as a child and when meditating I see the same scenes, anyway I get no colour just blackness but I see things but it is too dark to see if that makes sense?
I didn’t think much of it but my conscious life has changed greatly, a lot more positivity, the want to help others, you might have noticed on the MS forum my attitude has changed a lot as of late (username: Consequences) I am not quite ready to pray yet… I believe in a higher power but I have difficulty calling it something…. I don’t want to pray to “God” when I don’t believe in “God” but something more scientific, religion was forced down my throat when I was young and like you I think someone made it up to control the masses.
What I have noticed and it is pretty huge is there are references to a high power, or kundalini awakening, in most tv shows and movies, it is very subtle but is there in almost everything, which is freaky.
Anyway please keep writing posts like this!
Malan- Thanks for writing out this touching story. I too am an “ex-atheist.” I don’t subscribe to any religion but I know there is most definitely a higher power of some sort.
The types of experiences you were having are well-documented “occult” knowledge. If you google synchronicity or synchromysticism you’ll see what I mean.
The more I started to believe in this “higher power” and synchronicity, the more clear the signal became. It’s different for everyone, but the most notable signals for me, are numerical. 11:11, 3:33, that sorta thing. Mainly on the clock but also addresses, my locker # at the gym etc. I eventually took these signs to be telling me I was on the right path in life.
Whenever I’m stressed out, inside my head too much, living in fear–the signal stops. I lose the connection. You need to be paying attention and “surrender” as you did.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m not even surprised any more. Get this.. my friend passed away several months ago. He’s the one that taught me about this stuff. I was in a massive depression. I took a long walk to listen to Brian Tracy’s “Psychology of Selling” to take my mind off things. At one point he says “Smile” in reference to forcing your mind into a positive state. At that exact moment, I looked into the garage of the house next to me. Spray-painted on the wall was the word “Smile” with a happy face.
All I could do was smile!
Anyway, great article. I need to remember to surrender more often.
I went too fast. Skid marks a hundred feet that ended a few inches from a massive oak tree. It was autumn in New York. The colors of that tree sucked me into a prism I have been trying to spit out ever since.
I sat against my rental car for what seemed like a life-time. Taking it all in. A runner, perhaps a jogger, came by. He called a cab. I called home and it wasn’t good.
I was late for a business meeting that would change the game. One signature. I needed one fucking signature. One that would never be given because I never made it.
Those oak tree colors though…
Everything ended up okay. A decade in this a few years in that. Loves lost and lost hopes discovered. I found my path and turns out that I was on it all along. I just did not know it.
Thanks for sharing Malan. Make your bankroll with marketing. Keep tapping keys and putting down that deep groaning into the Ether. I have this feeling that writing is your end game. You need life to give you stories and you have a few. So, don’t stop sharing ’em. Writers write.
And you sir, are a Writer.
your comment is better writing than anything i’ve ever done… haha nice.
I’m an agnostic but I lean towards there being some kind of infinite intelligence or “God” out there. This world we live in is a crazy place 🙂
pretty much the same here. For me it seems lazy to just say “There’s a God” or “There’s No God” – that’s too easy. I like the idea that we have no idea – but acknowledge that because we don’t know – there are a wide variety of possibilities that no ones even thought of yet
I have gone through periods of depression myself and sometimes when I’m stuck in a routine of lazyness (porn, drinking, fast food, no work) after something traumatic like breakup/death, meditation is one thing that has allowed me to feel something similar – of pure happiness, love, colors for a few seconds. Once my brain actively realizes what’s going on, it disappears, generally after 10-15 seconds.
Basically the concept of how our emotions doesn’t have to be “fact” hit home for me. Just because I feel sad, doesn’t ‘mean’ I am a sad person per say. Just accepting that I’m going through experiences of life and it doesn’t need to ‘mean’ shit unless I attach a meaning to it were the first seeds to coming out of my downward spiral.
I was bought up Muslim but am an Atheist myself (no evidence for god, so I’m not going to follow organized religion). The brain is so complex along with the hormonal system with it — I’m sure there’s a biological explanation of what happened, but I’m glad it helped you to cross the fence of your addiction. Solid post.
thanks Haris – “emotions don’t have to be fact” I like that
oops. story *about* God
Hey Malan, first time commenting, beautiful story God. Totally speechless, totally blessed. Made my day. Thank you for sharing it.
sure thing Del, thanks for reading
Great post Malan. There is so much power in being in a place of complete brokenness, surrender and selfless receptivity to embody a level of courage previously unknown. It is the transformation of the Phoenix; from the ashes you have been born anew. It is something everyone should go through. Have you tried reembodying that brokenness again but apply it to other areas of your life? Have you tried reconnecting with that benevolent being?
You have mentioned here, with or without your knowledge, some true statements about Christianity: that one has to die in order to be born again (metaphorically and physically), that we have no power and everything that we do is result of the power given to us, that we asked for in one way or another and a very interesting fact is that people like the one you used to be are more likely to follow the “right” path in life because they know they have a problem and they do have to take care of it, compared to the ones that live normal lives, that don’t get out of their normal boundaries and thus they actually never get the chance to change and get on the right path.
Thanks for sharing this!
I have never experienced such a thing but I know this: definitely, there is some kind of a Creator; maybe it is not like the God as we know that I think is overly romanticized such as “God of Love” etc., but definitely there is something behind the creation of universe and people. And He is very intelligent.
he or she? 😉
Hey Malan, Been there myself and whether it was God, your subconscious, you, or whatever, you made the conscious decisions to do what you did then and since then day in day out to get from where you were to where you are. Give yourself some credit as well and well done bother.
hey birdwell, yeah like I mentioned i’m totally open to the fact that maybe i did it. And if that’s the case, that’s pretty amazing too. thanks for the comment
Thanks Malan for sharing your intimate life story with us.I was 17 years old when I became born again Christian.I have heard people saying there is a power in universe but when I read the bible i saw that “power” is called God John 1 and became flesh loved us died for us.Like you I wanted to be free from sin,free from doing things that I hated but couldn’t I was slave to sin,that’s why I believe God sent His Son Jesus to save us from Satan’s snares because we couldn’t save ourselves we needed outside help,His power.Thanks to Him I am free now.
Same here.
11-29-1998
right on brotha
“Like an embrace” – exactly. February 05 1985 pretty much the same story. Never have been able to describe it to anyone. Well done! Hang in there Malan…I am glad for you – and me. Second chances indeed.
You only live twice
I saw this in my inbox and read it 3 times in a row. I got home and had my family read it. We were all blown away by what you wrote. I am a devout (it doesn’t matter what religion I belong to). I believe in G-d. I pray to that higher being on a daily basis.
I have been on my knees asking “Why have you forsaken me ?” I’ve had really high highs and drastic lows. I came here for the affiliate marketing tips and insights and I became a loyal fan because you also produce these types of articles. G-d bless!
thanks traffiking. always good to see you here
Love
Rockets
what an incredible post.
thanks for reading Daniel – never sure how these personal posts will go over… glad to see your response
Very interesting. I’m opposite in that, I grew up a Christian (Baptist), and up until 2 Octobers ago I played with our contemporary band for about 8 years, church every Sunday. I wasn’t a bible thumper, still love all my Heavy Metal music (and there were plenty of other metalheads in church with me!), etc. I also knew there were some pretty shitty “Christians” out there also.
Through a series of events, I have become what I call, comfortably agnostic. I want to believe, but find it hard to think there is a greater being that allows the nasty things that go on in this world, and to really good people (or innocent children).
Anyways, your story is very interesting, and if anything I am glad you experienced it and “came out the other side” Malan. 🙂
hey to each his own my brotha. like i said – the only thing I know, is that I don’t know anything
Hi Malan,
I have experienced the same feeling and in my case was a voice but the moment just take like 3 seconds.
I’m doing meditation everyday 1 hour fromn Dr. Joe dispenza and i’m sure this is the best way to find that power or best way that power finds you.
Good to know you already know, nice history.
Regards
cool Luis – i’m working on meditation myself. thanks for the comment
Fantastic Post Malan! I’ve had a similar revelation, except it wasn’t about “GOD”. I’ve always been a positive person, but I always have negative thoughts towards my friends/family whenever I get angry. One day, I told myself to clear out negative thoughts as soon as they entered my mind. Since then, life has become nicer. I am still struggling with finding myself and trying out, and failing, affiliate marketing, but being positive drives me forward in times of adversity.
i like the clearing out concept Mark – thanks.